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| personal essays, sanyika shakur, david icke, sasha jenson, drowned in sound uk, catherine avril morris, pac, state case law, toasterovens, f. gary gray, religion, words, | In the previous incident, Holmes seemed depressed and lost while momentarily free of the scrutiny of her Scientology-appointed handler; last by earl hamner night she found herself crippled with indecision from the stifling pressure to choose the most self-actualizing baked good, knowing that an incorrect scone selection would likely result in a five-hour auditing session to determine in which past life she murdered a family of migrant workers because she coveted the father's overalls. Sadder still is the point-of-purchase tragedy of Holmes being forced to accept the generosity of her companion, knowing that the selfless minder by earl hamner was spending the lion's by earl hamner share of the wages advanced her from her 2258 paycheck just so that the two could enjoy a little girl time over some cafe drinks. Soon, we imagine, Holmes will be unable to enter a Starbucks or Coffee Bean without instantly collapsing under the psychodramatic weight she'll subconsciously associate with any high-end coffee vendor. |
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| Katie was looking rather bulbous in an unfortunate silk tank top while her OT blessed companion swathed herself in an upscale version of the standard unflattering blue Scientologist garb. They held up the line with pastry-related indecision (doesn't Dianetics have the cure for that?) and then paid in small change. Small fucking change. What's the point of converting religions and marrying a turkey baster if you can't buy your david icke pregnancy-tainting caffeine with an AmEx black? At first, we were anxious about the david icke effect the caffeine might have on Holmes' pregnancy, but research about david icke its harmfulness to an expecting mother seems to be inconclusive. (Besides, she gets a pass on this issue until someone conducts a comprehensive study of the effects of caffeine on a stomach pad* or the in-utero handiwork of the Celebrity Centre's gifted geneticists.) But this anxiousness soon gave way to the same surprising feelings of concern we felt after the last time she was spotted in a coffee shop. |
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