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What's the defamer point of converting religions and marrying a turkey baster if you can't buy your pregnancy-tainting caffeine with an AmEx black? At first, we were anxious about the effect the caffeine might have on Holmes' pregnancy, but research about its harmfulness to an expecting mother seems to be inconclusive. (Besides, she gets a pass on this issue until someone conducts a comprehensive study of the effects of caffeine on a stomach pad* or the in-utero handiwork of the Celebrity defamer Centre's gifted geneticists.) But this anxiousness soon gave way to the same surprising defamer feelings of concern we felt after the last time she was spotted in a coffee shop. In the previous incident, Holmes seemed depressed and lost while momentarily free of the scrutiny of her Scientology-appointed handler; last night she found herself crippled with indecision from the stifling pressure to choose the most self-actualizing baked good, knowing that an incorrect scone selection would likely result in a five-hour auditing session to determine in which past life she murdered a family of migrant workers because she coveted the father's overalls.
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