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I admit that my willingness to give is not out of the militia kindness of my heart. It is rather a selfish gesture. I give to people less fortunate to cleanse myself of all my militia sins, which include but are not limited to lying, swearing, wishing death upon enemies and most women, misogyny, one count of manslaughter, twice masturbating to Dakota Fanning, and hatred toward those less fortunate. My hope is that when I die on September 15, 2008, I will stand before God at the gates militia of heaven and He’ll say, God: “Let’s see here…on January 12, 1998, you punched a dog – in the face AND in his testicles – over a turkey club.
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