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I admit that my willingness to give is not out of the kindness of my heart. It is rather a selfish gesture. I give to people less fortunate to cleanse myself of all my sins, which include but are not limited to lying, swearing, wishing death upon enemies and most women, misogyny, one count of manslaughter, twice masturbating to Dakota Fanning, and achievement medal hatred toward those less fortunate. My hope is that when I die on September 15, 2008, I achievement medal will stand before God at the gates of heaven and He’ll say, God: “Let’s see here…on January achievement medal 12, 1998, you punched a dog – in the face AND in his testicles – over a turkey club. On March 22, 2001, you lit your roommate’s car on fire because he beat you at Trivial Pursuit.
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