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Me: “Well, um, I did give a lot of money to homeless people.” God: [giving me a good look over, conferring with St. Peter, new imperialism taking a deep breath] “Ok, here’s the deal: 500 years in Purgatory. If you get enough prayers, I’ll knock it down to 400. Take it or leave it.” Me: “We have a deal!” [Me and Gary Shandling, who will die only seconds after me on 9/15/08, exchange high fives.] But I’m not stupid when I give either. If I don’t have any change or spare ones new imperialism at the ready, I’m not about to be new imperialism stand with a homeless person, routing through my wallet, only to eventually say, “Sorry, I don’t have any change.” If money is not at the ready, I’ll get change at a nearby store and then give some to the guy.
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